The angel that won't fly
by Sapphire1112
Summary: Just because I think it's high time Sam made an appearance! Warning: the beginning is highly emotional. I do not own the characters. Strachamp.


**Sam**

"Sam, you are going to bloody _shut up and listen_ to me even if it kills you."

That stops me in my tracks. It's _unheard_ of to hear that kind of language _or_ tone of voice from Charlie Fairhead.

"You have _no idea_ what's been going on – and _yes_ , I agree that Connie _should_ have told you both the truth, but she didn't know _how_ to, so instead she just did what she _normally_ does and tried to cope with it on her own. You _are_ going to listen to me." He repeats. "Because _Grace_ deserves to know that her mother _hasn't_ abandoned her – and Connie _deserves_ better as well." I stay quiet, and hear the rustle of paper on the other end of the phone. "This is something she wrote after counselling – she _agree_ _d_ to share it with me because I couldn't understand _why_ she hadn't told you and she didn't know how to explain. She doesn't _know_ that I'm reading it to you – and I can't imagine she'll be very happy if she finds out, but Duffy agreed that it seems to be the _only_ way out of this bloody mess."

There's _that_ word again.

"Listen...

 **I _tried_ to tell Grace, but I kept getting her answer phone and I couldn't leave her a message _like that_ – and Sam, well, I've got no idea _how_ to talk to him after the way he left, or if he'd _even_ pick up. I know if Sam _had_ known, he would have brought her back _straight away_ – deep down he's a decent man and a good father. Despite how much he hates me, he wouldn't have _risked_ Grace losing her Mum without having the _chance_ to say goodbye, but I looked _so_ awful. I didn't _want_ her to see me like that. When it got serious, it happened so _quickly_ and I knew he wouldn't be able to get her back in time. I tried to ring her before I had the surgery, but I got her answer machine again. **

**_Was I really going to leave my little girl a message saying that I was having emergency surgery for cancer and she might never see me again?_ \- Or her Dad for that matter – was I going to tell Sam _that_?**

 **They're _angry_ at me and I can't really blame them. They don't know how ill I've been, so it must seem to Grace that I've just abandoned her again – chosen work _over_ her. She doesn't know that I'd jump on a plane _right now_ if I could.**

 **I don't _know_ how Sam feels any more – about _anything_. I imagine he's very _angry_ on Grace's behalf though.**

 **The message I left the day I was _supposed_ to fly out to Colorado, I lied. I chickened out of leaving a message to say I was ill. I just _couldn't_ bring myself to do it, so instead I told her I had to work. I thought it would be better for her to be angry then upset. I wanted her to imagine me as the _strong, stubborn_ _mother_ she's always known rather than a weak sickly-looking woman who's body had taken a beating and who's hair was falling out.**

 **I didn't want to _worry_ either of them – and I made the mistake of thinking I was _immortal_. I always have. I never thought there was even a _chance_ the cancer might kill me – not until it was nearly too late anyway.**

 **I would have flown out to Colorado regardless of how ill I was – even after I'd collapsed that day. I _just_ wanted to spend Christmas with Grace and Sam – even if it was my last one. I even _tried_ to get Ethan to call the taxi to pick me up from the hospital, but he told me it had been taken out of my hands. I was admitted while I was unconscious and I wasn't _allowed_ to leave. I think they would have _handcuffed_ me to the bed if I had tried – and I probably wouldn't have got _far_ without collapsing again, if I had managed to leave. Charlie said the airport wouldn't have let me onto the plane anyway. It was pretty _obvious_ that I was ill.**

 **I'm still having the Chemo – and I'm _meant_ to be more or less restricted to bed rest to aid my recovery – but even if I wasn't, I can't just fly out there now because they won't talk to me – _or_ even see me. They _ignore_ my emails and they've changed their numbers. For all I know, they might have moved house. I've _tried_ to write to them, but my letters are returned unopened – whether they _have_ moved or whether they know my writing and just send the letters back, I don't know.**

 **They're both very angry and they've made it _clear_ they don't want anything to do with me. They've abandoned me – because they _think_ I've abandoned them.**

 _ **I have no idea how to put this right.**_

 **Work is the _only_ thing I have left now, but it doesn't make up for not having Sam and Grace. They are _everything_ and I _should_ have told them that while I had the chance. **

**I'll _never_ have the family I wanted now.**

...So you see, Sam? It's _not_ the way you think at all. She was trying to _protect_ you both from seeing her like that. She _survived_ against all odds – just before the surgery, she didn't _expect_ to, but she did - and now she doesn't _know_ what to do."

I can't speak. The tears are _pouring out_ – I had no idea how _close_ we'd come to losing her, or how _lonely_ she must have be.

"Sam...?" Charlie repeats.

" _We're coming_." I mutter. "I'm going to pick Grace up and _we're coming now_." I hesitate. "She's ok, now – right? _Connie_ – I mean, you said she _survived_ – does that mean she's _better_?"

I _have_ to know if there's a chance we could still lose her.

"She's _still_ having chemo... – but they had to do _emergency surgery_ to remove the tumour – which was _successful_." He tells me. "There's _more_ – I've only _touched the surface,_ Sam, but the details can _wait_ until you're here – she looks _a lot_ better than she did, but just _warn_ Grace that her Mum doesn't _look_ quite the way she used to."...

 **At Grace's school...**

"I _need_ to speak to the headmistress."

"Do you have an appointment?"

"No, but I _need_ to speak to her – it's an _emergency_!" I state desperately, leaning on the reception desk at Grace's school. " _Please_!"

"How can I help you, Mr Strachan?" The kindly headteacher appears behind me. "Come this way."

"I need to take Grace." I say, sitting down. I'm aware that I'm flustered and talking too fast. I try my _best_ to slow down. "I've just found out that her Mum's been _seriously_ ill – which is why we didn't get to see her over Christmas-"

"Yes, Grace told me about that – she was very _disappointed_." Mrs Jones nods.

"Yes, well, it turns out that her Mum has had _Cancer_ – I don't _know_ the details yet – just that she's had emergency surgery to _remove_ a tumour and she's _still_ having chemotherapy." I explain.

Mrs Jones reaches for the phone off her desk. "Then _of course_ , Mr Strachan - you _must_ take your daughter to see her mother...Hello?" She says down the phone after dialling for the reception desk. "I need to see _Grace Beauchamp-Strachan_ tin my office _immediately_ , please – _with_ her school bags. Thank you." She puts the phone down. "Grace should be here soon. Take her out for as long as you need, Mr Strachan – and _please_ , don't worry about her school work. We can sort that out via email once you know what's happening." She pauses. "Grace was _hurt_ when she didn't get to see her Mum at Christmas, but she never _believed_ that her Mum had abandoned her – she _told me_ that there would be a _good_ reason."

"Really?" I _almost_ stammer. When I look back, it makes sense. _I_ was angry, but _Grace_ was just upset – and she was _even more_ upset when I asked her to change her number without telling her Mum. She agreed for me, but I _shouldn't_ have done that – I _had_ no right. Just like I had _no right_ to 'intercept' Connie's letters and emails. It was _wrong_ – and it made it seem even more like Connie _had_ abandoned us.

The _way_ I left was wrong too. I _meant_ what I said - I _wanted_ us to be a family, but I never thought in a _million_ years that Connie would agree. She didn't at first, but _then_ she started to thaw. Her saying 'no' was a sort of _safety net_ and when that disappeared, _I_ just freaked out. I told myself the most _awful_ things about Connie – things I'm _really_ ashamed of. I told myself that _everything_ Grace had been through in the past year was _totally_ down to Connie. I told myself that Grace's long, tedious recovery _only_ happened because _her mother_ had upset a patient to the point she drove them off the road. I _blamed_ Connie for letting them _take_ Grace in the air ambulance – _and_ for the fact that it crashed. I _blamed_ Connie for _everything_ – and _told myself_ that Grace and I would be _happier_ without her. I feel _even more_ awful about that now because in our ignorance, we _nearly_ lost her.

As I _expected_ , Connie threatened lawsuits and all sorts at first. I can't _deny_ I enjoyed that. It was _childish_ , but I admit I _can be_ quite immature at times and I was _disappointed_ when the threats suddenly stopped. I should have _known_ then that something was wrong – the Connie Beauchamp _I know_ wouldn't just _give up_ on her daughter like that. I should have dropped _everything_ and come back. When she sent that message to Grace saying that she suddenly 'had to work' over Christmas, I was just _so_ angry. I _believed_ that once again, Connie had _chosen_ her job over her daughter – in reality, she _never_ has, she's just done what _she_ thinks is the best thing for Grace. It might have been badly _misguided_ sometimes, but doing _your_ best for your child - _t_ _hat's_ what parenting is about – Connie's a much _better_ mother than she thinks.

I can see now that Grace _never believe_ _d_ the message Connie left. _Despite_ my best efforts to the contrary, Grace's _faith_ in her mother's love for her has _never_ wavered since we left. I should have paid _more_ attention to my daughter but I directed her down the path _I_ wanted to follow. She _said_ her Mum didn't sound right – _I_ should have done more listening instead of just _talking_.

There's a knock at the door. "Come in." Mrs Jones calls.

Grace comes in. "You wanted to see me, Mrs Jones?" She says brightly – though she seems slightly nervous. She probably thinks she's in trouble. Her headteacher indicates me. " _Daddy!_ " Grace exclaims. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"Sit down, Grace." Mrs Jones tells her kindly. "Your Dad needs to _explain_ something."

Grace sits down and looks at me. "It's _Mummy_ , isn't it? _Something's happened_."

I nod. "Gracie, I've just _found out_ that your Mum didn't come at Christmas because she's been _very_ ill-"

" _Cancer?_ " She asks before I can explain further.

I stare at her. She's the daughter of two doctors – and she's _very_ smart, but how could she _possibly_ know that?

She shrugs. "It _had_ to be something _big_ to stop her from coming to see us."

"Yes." I answer- trying to recover my shock. "She's had the tumour _removed_ but she's _still_ having Chemotherapy. I _don't know_ any more details yet – Charlie said he'll tell us more when we get there-"

Grace jumps to her feet excitedly. " _We're going to England to see Mummy?_ "

" _Yes,_ we are – we're going to the airport _now_. I need you to _warn you_ though sweetheart, your Mum might look a bit... _different_ at the moment."...

 **At the airport...**

"Daddy, we're on the plane now – we can't _do_ anything else, so will you _please_ ring Charlie and find out more? _Please!_ " Grace begs me.

I sigh and send him a text.

 _'Hi Charlie, we are on the plane. If it's convenient, please will you ring me and tell me more? Sam.'_

I pray that it's not _too_ long before he answers – and that it _is_ convenient. It _won't_ go down well with Grace if it's not.

Thankfully, he rings me straight away.

"That was _lucky_." He says. "I was _just_ going on my break."

"What _kind_ of tumour was it Charlie?" I ask. Being a doctor it's one of my _burning_ questions.

"It was in her _heart_." He answers. " _Yes, Sam._ " He adds, hearing me catch my breath. "I _hate to say it_ , but _had_ you been here here, you would have _probably_ noticed she was ill – _and_ like it or not, you do seem to have a _way_ of making her listen to you"

I think back to the scene in the cupboard before Grace and I left. He's right – she didn't _just_ argue, she _was_ listening to me even _before_ I kissed her.

" _As it was,_ Connie kept her condition to herself." Charlie continues. "Eventually, _E_ _than_ worked it out because she was _mentoring_ him and he put two and two together, but she _swore him to secrecy,_ so until the point where she collapsed – she had no _other_ suppor _t._ Ethan said she was in _complete denial_ over it and it took him a _long_ time to persuade her to have _any_ kind of treatment at all. He didn't _dare_ break her confidence in case she _refused_ more treatment."

" _Too bloody stubborn for her own good._ " I mutter – forgetting that _my daughter_ is sat patiently next to me. She doesn't _react_ to my comment.

" _Indeed._ " Charlie agrees. "The rest of us didn't find out _until_ the day she was _meant_ to flying out to see you. She wasn't _supposed_ to be working that day, but we were short-staffed so Hassen pulled her in – he said she could still get her flight later as planned." Charliee sighs. "She didn't look _at all_ well, when she came in, Sam – most of us just _assumed_ she was going down with the bug that was going around. _W_ _hat we didn't know,_ was that she's had _two_ cycles of Chemo by then and _carried on_ _working_ regardless – despite Ethan _trying_ to stop her. I'd _heard_ them arguing a few times – but I had no idea _what_ it was about – it was _none of my business_ , so I didn't ask. When she _collapsed_ in Resus, Ethan had _no choice_ but to tell us what she'd been hiding. It turned out, she had picked up an _infection_ because her immune system was compromised by the Chemo - and the treatment wasn't _working_ either, so the tumour was _still_ growing. She wasn't _well enough_ to travel, Sam – not that it stopped her from _trying_. She was still _planning_ to get a taxi to the airport at _that_ point."

"Is that when she had the surgery?" I ask, aware that Grace's _patience_ with soon run out. She wants to know _everything_.

"No." Charlie answers. " _No one_ at Holby would _operate_ because of the infection – Connie was _too_ weak and they didn't think that she would _survive_ the operation – and _Jac_ – who is obviously the _best_ heart surgeon here, was out of action anyway. Of course, that _wasn't_ good enough for Connie. She was _told_ she had to wait for a few days for the infection to clear, - but her condition was moving very _swiftly_ at that point, Sam. She probably didn't _have_ a few days left – and _Connie knew that_. She knew she was going to die without _immediate_ surgery and she was _determined_ to take what ever risks she had to - in order to _increase_ her chances of seeing her daughter again." He sighs. "She _told_ Ethan that a doctor she went to college with had _agree_ to do the surgery at a hospital in London. Well, the _first_ part was true – she _did_ go to college with Professor Cornell. Connie _persuaded_ Ethan to drive her to London-"

"And he _agreed_?" I retort indignantly.

"I _believe_..." Charlie responds. "Connie had _already_ discharged herself and was _sat_ in the back of her car, when she _handed_ him the keys and _threatened_ to get a taxi if he _didn't_ drive her there"

" _Oh_." I agree. "Yes, that _sounds_ like Connie."

"Well, when they _got to_ the hospital, it turned out that Professor Cornell didn't _know_ anything about it – and once she did, she also _refused_ to operate – stating that Connie would _not_ survive the surgery. Professor Cornell was her _last_ option, so Connie had no choice but to accept it. I believe that Ethan took her out in London after that, but they had _some sort_ of argument – I don't know what it was about. He said she went back to her hotel room on her own. He followed, but she wouldn't open the door _or_ answer her phone so he went into a pub and rang me. When _I_ rang the hotel, they informed me that a hotel maid had _found_ Connie unconscious in the bath and she'd been rushed to hospital – where Professor Cornell was performing _emergency surgery_ to remove the tumour. She fell unconscious because the tumour obstructed her heart valve, Sam – _luckily for her_ when she passed out – it moved again. So..." He finishes. "Connie _got_ what she wanted in the end – but no one _expected_ her to survive – least of all her. Professor Cornell gave her _strict_ instructions afterwards that she was on _bed rest_ and needed some _more_ Chemotherapy. She having the Chemo back at Holby now – _staying_ at the hospital. She's not _best pleased_ about having to take up a bed, but the doctors aren't _convinced_ that she will follow instructions if she goes home – and there's no one to _make sure_ she does. She wouldn't agree to _'impose'_ on Duffy and I as she put it."

I have trouble knowing _what_ to say,now that I know everything – but Charlie seems aware of this.

"I'll let you go now – so you can talk to Grace. My break's nearly over anyway. Let me know when you get here. I'll meet you in the ED reception and take you to see Connie – she'll be in her Chemo session by then."

" _Well?_ " Grace presses me when I put my mobile down, so I do my best to _repeat_ what Charlie told me. She listens _avidly_ and doesn't say a word until I've finished.

"Why didn't Mummy _tell_ us she was ill?" She asks.

"She didn't want to _worry_ us, darling." I explain quietly. "And Charlie said that she _looked_ quite ill before she had the surgery. She didn't want you to see her _like that_. Besides -" I add. "You _know_ what Mummy's like – she's _stubborn_ and thinks she can do _everything_ on her own."

" _Too bloody stubborn for her own good._ " Grace retorts, copying me from earlier.

I should have _known_ I wouldn't get away with that!


End file.
